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The Bomb
Watercolor by a Cancer Patient
Try to keep in mind that children cannot carry the
same burden or pain as an adult. Balance the sharing of
sad feelings with more pleasant activities. Be sure to let
your children know how much they are valued.
TIPS
- Set a time to explain what has happened. Choose a time when you are emotionally ready.
Be honest and give accurate information. Address
fears that your children may have about their own
deaths or about the deaths of other family members.
Help them understand death is a normal part of life.
- Its OK for your children to see you cry. Crying together can be good for all of you.
- Use simple terms to describe the situation to young
children. Relate the situation to something they understand
or use examples in nature your child can see.
- Let your children speak openly and share their feelings.
Encourage questions.
- When you speak about death, refer to it as death.
Dont use terms that can be confusing or equate it with
sleeping or sickness. Make sure your child understands
that the person died because his or her body stopped
working.
- Discuss what happens after death. Make sure your child
understands the body doesnt function anymore. Use this
as an opportunity to share your spiritual beliefs about
what happens after death.
- Dont exclude children from the funeral. Explain what
takes place at a funeral. Allow for questions and
discussion. Encourage but dont force children to attend.
This can be an opportunity to help your child say
goodbye. Provide your children with opportunities to
be involved in mourning activities; this will help foster
a sense of control thats often lacking after the death of
a loved one.
- Disarm fears and guilt: Death is nobodys fault.
Talk to your children about this directly to make sure
they are not feeling unspoken guilt.
- Gather memories together. Talk together about the
good times. Consider having your child write a letter
or draw a picture to help say goodbye. Give your child
a picture or a memento.
- Stick to routines. Routines foster a sense of security
and consistency for children. Regular morning or
evening rituals, such as reading a book or eating
breakfast together, will provide stability for your
children.
Children follow the cues of those around them.
Providing a supportive environment where parents and
caregivers openly cry, talk about their grief and express
their frustration help children understand that its OK
for them to feel this way too. Mourning as a family gives
children a sense of security and provides an outlet for
their feelings.
For Young Children
Although its tempting to shelter young children from
the pain of grieving, it will be even harder to recover
emotionally if the death is not explained. Use simple terms
your children can understand and encourage them to ask
questions. Let them know that you will try to help them
find answers, even though no one fully understands death.
The following is a list of questions younger children may
ask. Consider asking your child to repeat your answers
back to you so you are sure your child understands.
- Is death like sleeping? Children who are told death
is like sleeping may develop fears about falling asleep.
Explain to your child that when you sleep, your body
still works: You breathe, your heart beats and you
dream. When a person is dead, the body doesnt work
anymore.
- Why did they have to die? Explain that the person
got very sick and that his or her body wasnt strong
enough anymore to fight off the sickness, so it stopped
working. Assure your children that if they get the flu,
their bodies still work well and will be able to fight off
the infection. Explain that most people get better when
they are sick.
- Will you die? Will I die? Children look for reassurance.
Let your children know that most people live for a
long time. It may also be a good idea to explain who
would take care of them if you did die.
- Did I do something bad to cause the death?
A child may remember a fight with the brother, sister
or parent who died. They may have even said, I wish
you were dead or been jealous of the attention the
deceased was getting in the time before his or her
death. Reassure your child that nothing they did
caused the death to happen.
- When will they come back? Forever is not easy for
young children to understand. Young children may
need to be told several times that this person wont
be back. With time and ongoing support, your child
will come to terms with this loss.
- Why did God let this happen? Answer these types
of questions according to your own faith and consider
seeking counsel of clergy. Its OK to let your children
know you dont have answers for everything. Keep in
mind that it may be best to avoid suggesting that the
deceased was takenby a higher power; some children
may fear they will be taken away, too.
Address fears your children may have
about their own deaths or about the deaths
of other family members.
For Older Children and Teenagers
Teenagers are already working through the changes
of adolescence. The way teenagers grieveand the
support they needdepends on their emotional and
physical maturity, past experiences and family make-up.
Keep these tips in mind to help your teenager get through
this difficult time:
- Be sensitive to challenges your children already face.
Puberty and hormonal changes can color a teenagers
perception of a stressful event.
- Address concerns your kids have about how the
household will continue to function. Talk as a family
about how roles may change within a family. This is
especially important if a parent has died.
- Dont try to direct grief. Teenagers tend to respond
better to adults who choose to be companions in their
grief. Be aware of your own issues and get help for
yourself or your teen if you need it.
- Dont forget kids away at college. College kids may
feel very alone after a death in the family. Keep in
close contact to provide support while your kids are
away at school. Encourage them to seek out campus
counseling or support groups offered by the university
for additional help.
- Keep talking. Give your kids plenty of opportunities
to talk about how they feel. Bereavement can be a
stressful time and may cause past conflicts to flare.
Its crucial to talk about shared losses and to support
each other.
Give your kids plenty of opportunities
to talk about how they feel.
This guide was made possible by financial support from the Coach Carr Cancer Fund.
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