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It is only natural to mourn or grieve after the death of a loved one. Losing someone close to you is like losing a part of yourself. That person may be gone, but the relationship lives on. Your emotions may, for a time, separate you from the day-to-day world of friends and family. Feelings of grief are normal and necessary.
Grieving, however, is a complex process. There are a series of emotional phases or transitions people pass through after losing a loved one. These are similar to the emotional phases that a person may go through when facing a terminal illness. This is called "the grief process."
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. ...It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
- C.S. Lewis
The first emotion after a loss is usually shock or denial. This happens because you're not prepared for the loss. In the past you've usually had time to prepare yourself before a major life change. For example, an engagement period serves as time to prepare for marriage, and there is time before graduation from high school to prepare for college or starting a first job. Yet, even if there was time after the initial diagnosis to begin to accept the reality of the illness, the death of a loved one often seems sudden. You may have feelings of disbelief and that "this can't be happening." Initially, you may have trouble making even simple decisions.
Very often people also have feelings of anger as well as shock and denial. Sometimes we look for a person to blame or ask ourselves, "What did I do to deserve this?" It is also common for people to try to make sense of the situation by wondering if things could have been different. People often worry, "What if I'd been there?" or "What if I had called that day?" Many times there is guilt about the circumstances surrounding the death and grieving individuals are often very hard on themselves. It is important not to place blame, but rather to realize that some things, such as death or disease, are out of our control.
Depression and sadness can often follow feelings of denial and anger. It is common to feel lonely and isolated while adjusting to life without the loved one. This pain of the loss must be experienced, however, before acceptance of the loss can happen. As time goes on and you take up the activities of daily living these painful emotions will lessen.
Acceptance and integration are signs that the grieving process is coming to an end. A sense of normalcy will develop for you. This happens as the reality of the loss becomes a part of your day-to-day living.
As you accept role changes, your emotional energy can be used to make new relationships or strengthen old ones. Acceptance allows you to move on; not forgetting the deceased, but remembering the special times you shared together without intense pain.
The feelings people have during bereavement and the grief process are as unique as the human personality itself. Even in families, not everyone has the same feelings, and express them in the same way or for the same amount of time. We must each accept and work through our own feelings during this time.
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Healthcare professionals refer to the process a bereaved person will encounter as "grief work." This is because the process is not one that will be healed only with time. "Grief work" means coping with some very difficult emotional tasks. William Worden, Ph.D., outlines four tasks that you must work through to cope effectively with bereavement and loss.1 The authors of this book think of these tasks as "transitions."
The first transition is to accept the reality of your loss. When death occurs, you must come to terms with the fact that your loved one is gone. It is not unusual to delay accepting the reality of the death for a short time. However, if these feelings go on for a long time (i.e., years), the denial is not healthy. The second transition is to work through the emotions and pain of your grief. It has been said that there is no way around grief. You must go through it to come out of it. If you allow yourself to feel the deep pain of grief, you will slowly work through that pain and it will lessen.
The journey through grief is a major task. The process of healing calls for moments of aloneness, moments of companionship.
-Chris Byrne, Canadian Mental Health Association
In the third transition, you must adjust to being without your loved one. This person has a special place in your heart and in your family. There will never be a substitute for him or her, but you will learn to adapt to this loss. Decisions will need to be made about how to meet the responsibilities this person had. These things must now be done by someone else. This process may require finding new ways of interacting within the family because a big sister, younger brother, or parent is no longer there. The adjustment will be different for each person in the family depending on their relationship with the one who is gone.
The fourth transition is to detach yourself emotionally and begin to live again. This is necessary to adjust to and deal with the loss. Although this gets easier with time, it does not mean that you love your deceased family member any less, or that you will not keep your special memories. The person that is gone is not forgotten, but takes on new meaning in life.
These transitions do not occur overnight, they require a period of time several months and even years. Likewise, there is no prescribed order to "grief work," and these emotional transitions may occur in any order and may be repeated. Over time and through this process, you will work through your grief. As this happens you will begin to remember your loved one without experiencing the pain and sadness you may be feeling now.
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- Healthy grief means admitting the reality of the loss. One of the natural stages of grief is denial. Denial is a temporary anesthetic that we use while we gather our resources to deal with the loss. Denial is normal for a short time but you must not continue to deny the loss.
"Grief is not an illness to be cured. Rather it is an opportunity for growth if the bereaved can avoid being trapped between the past which cannot be retrieved, and the future
yet to be planned."
- Sr. Theresa McIntier and Nan R. Kanton
- Healthy grief means venting the grief you feel due to the loss. Our culture encourages people to stifle their emotions, but in reality this can be very unhealthy. Do not feel guilty about having emotions. Tell yourself it is okay to admit your feelings and express them to someone.
- Healthy grief means dealing with the tendency to assign responsibility for the loss. It is natural to ask, "Whose fault is this?" You may struggle with guilt and direct blame toward yourself or others. This is normal but be realistic when coming to conclusions.
Healthy grief means recognizing the need for time to heal. Do not rush through or force the stages of grief. Give yourself time to cope with the loss.
These four signs are good reminders that having such feelings is normal and healthy. It is also important to be aware that some ways of coping are not healthy. The list that follows are normal reactions to grief. On the other hand, if these symptoms persist and are interfering with normal day-to-day functioning, it may suggest depression or unhealthy grieving:
- Loss of appetite and weight loss
- Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
- Not caring about personal appearance
- Not wanting to move the possessions of the deceased
- Extreme detachment and denial of emotions
- No interest in activities that used to be pleasurable
- Feelings of worthlessness and alienation
"Tears are like rain. They loosen up our soil so we can grow in different directions."
- Virginia Casey
If these symptoms persist and are interfering with normal day-to-day activities as mentioned above, professional help should be sought. (Please note: if you are having suicidal ideas or feelings, professional help should be sought as soon as possible. Many individuals are trained to help during times like this.) Resources are also given at the end of this page should extra support be necessary.
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How family members cope with the loss of a loved one is unique to each person. While some of us have physical symptoms in response to grief, such as changes in sleep patterns, eating habits and energy, others do not. For most of us, grief takes a long time to lessen. So, be patient with yourself and others who expect you to "get over it." You never really "get over it." It is something you do come to terms with in your life. Grief is a normal reaction to a painful situation.
There are no perfect guidelines to help you cope with your grief, but some things that others have found helpful include:
- Understand that feelings of grief will ease as time passes.
- Let others help you.
- Maintain a routine pattern for eating, waking and going to sleep.
- Share the burden. Talk to people about what you are experiencing.
- If necessary, seek professional advice for more reassurance.
- Avoid alcohol and caffeine.
- Avoid taking medications unless prescribed by your physician. Many substances are addictive and can delay the necessary grieving process. Feelings of grief must be felt in order to cope successfully with the loss.
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Each person grieves in his or her own way. The circumstances of your loved one's death, and their special relationship with you will influence how you work through your grief. Every loss is unique. People in the same family may grieve in different ways and should talk with one another about their feelings.
Friends, relatives, and co-workers may not be at ease around you because they may not know what to say or how to act. They may fear that they will upset you by talking about the death. Try to take the initiative and help them learn how to be supportive. You might want to let them know that you are already thinking about your loss and that their presence (even when you cry or remember your loved one) can be a comfort.
It may seem "backwards" to suggest that a person in grief might be the one to reach out to others, but we live in a society that does not teach most people how to be supportive and offer comfort to the bereaved. Your friends and family may only need to hear from you to know that their presence, their words, and "their shoulders," can help you get through another day. The next section presents some guidelines for those who offer you support at this time.
After the initial weeks and months following the death of your loved one, some of your friends and relatives may contact you less often. They may expect you to cope with your loss more quickly than you are. It may take longer than they expect. Remember, each person handles grief differently. This may be a good time to consider joining a support group or starting therapy with a bereavement counselor.
This will allow you to see that you are not alone in your grief, and that as you work through your grief you can also help others cope with their loss.
Some people find their religious beliefs to be of great support and comfort when they lose a loved one. By contrast, others may question and challenge their faith or philosophy of life. The questioning of old beliefs can be a growth process. Feel free to discuss questions with your family, friends, or clergy.
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As a friend or family member, you might not be sure of what to say or how to act to help the bereaved person. There are really very few rights or wrongs when consoling others. There are, however, some things that may be more helpful than others. Here are a few hints on what to say or do for the bereaved:
Condolence is the Art of Giving Courage
"The most important thing any of us can do to comfort the grieving is to listen when they want to talk and to accept their silence if they are unable to speak about their loss."
- Susan Jacoby
- Be a good listener: People need to talk about the death of their loved one. The more they talk, the more they process the reality of the death and come to grips with it.
- Be open-minded: There is no timetable for completing the grief process. People resent being told, "You should be over it by now." Moving towards acceptance of a loss can be a lengthy process. This is true even if the grieving person returns to work quickly. Each person should be allowed to experience grief in his or her own way.
- Talk about the person who died: Don't be afraid to bring up the subject for fear of making the family members feel worse. They are already feeling bad and thinking about their loved one most of the time. Your concern validates that their loved one was also important to you and will not be forgotten.
- Inquire about the well-being of remaining family members. Some people, especially children, are often thought to be "okay" when, in fact, they are not. Your concern will be helpful.
- Look for a current "practical" need and fill it. You might be able to do some shopping, prepare a meal, answer the phone, baby-sit, or help with out-of-town relatives.
- Be honest with your own feelings. If you have trouble thinking of something to say, just know that your presence is of help.
- Try to learn about the grieving process. There are many good books available at local bookstores and in libraries. Some references are listed in the Recommended Reading section of this booklet.
- Stay in touch. Bereaved people will not have the energy to call you. Reach out and make contact by phone or a personal visit. Invite the bereaved family out for a meal. Check back from time to time to offer support.
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You are going through your own intense grief. There are many decisions and details to be handled. Although family and friends cannot take your pain away or change what happened, they may be a comfort during the first difficult weeks. Children need a support network too.
A parent is the most important part of the network. Parents who openly talk about their grief, cry, and express frustration are letting their children know that it is okay for them to do so too.
It is painful to see children in distress after hearing sad news. Although the death of a loved one is hard for the child, it is even harder if the death was not explained to them. It is better for a child to mourn in the company of family than to mourn alone, wondering, yet afraid to ask questions. As a parent, you can let the child know that while you might not understand everything about death, you will still try to answer the child's questions. You know your child best. You will have to sense how much of an answer, and how much detail the child wants. You might ask your child to repeat back to you what you have just said, because you "want to be sure you explained it right." Here are some questions that many children wonder about and some suggested answers.
Children who are told that death is like sleeping may develop fears about falling asleep. Try to explain to your children that death is not the same as sleeping. When you go to sleep your body still works. You still breathe, your heart beats and you dream. When a person is dead, his or her body doesn't work anymore.
If the death was from an illness, explain that the person got very sick and his/her body couldn't fight the sickness any more and it stopped working. Assure your children that if they get the flu or if you get sick, your bodies can fight the illness and get better, because your bodies still work. Explain that people do not usually die when they get sick. Most people get better.
If the death was from an accident, explain that the person was hurt so badly that his/her body stopped working. Explain that when most people get hurt they can get better.
Children look for reassurance. Let your children know that most people live for a long time. You could also explain who would take care of them if you did die. Let them know to whom they should go for help if there is a family emergency.
Children cannot carry the same burden or pain as an adult. Try to balance, as best you can, the sharing of sad feelings with the sharing of the more pleasant activities. Be sure to let your children know how much they are valued.
A child might remember a fight with the brother, sister, or parent who died, or maybe even wishing that a deceased brother or sister wasn't around to get so much attention from Mom and Dad. Maybe the child said, "I wish you'd go away from me," or even "I wish you were dead." The child must be reassured that saying and wishing such things does not cause a death to happen.
"Forever" is not easy for young children to understand. They see that people go away and come back, that cartoon characters die and then jump up again. Young children may need to be told several times that their loved one won't be back. As time goes on, with ongoing support, the child will come to terms with the loss.
Young children may think a dead body still has feelings, walks, and talks, under the ground. Some children might imagine a cemetery as a sort of "underground apartment complex." You may need to explain that a dead body doesn't work anymore and that it can no longer breathe, walk, talk, or eat.
Answer questions related to God and to your faith according to your own beliefs. You may also want the counsel of your clergy. Realize that it is okay to not have answers for everything. Children can accept that you, too, have a hard time understanding some things. It is best to avoid suggesting God "took" the person to be with Him, or that "only the good die young." Some children may fear that God will take them away too, or they will try to be "bad" so that they won't die also.
After a death in the family, going back to school may be difficult. You can make going back to school easier by helping your child with some answers to questions and remarks from schoolmates. The child should know that it is also fine to not answer questions. You may want to contact the school principal, your child's teacher, the school social worker or counselor before your child's return to school to discuss what you would like shared with his or her classmates. Schoolmates may not always be sensitive to your child's feelings. Your child should know that others may not be comfortable talking about the person who has died, but that your home will always be a place where you and your child can talk about and remember that person.
Young children may show grief in unique ways. For example, children may pretend to themselves that the person has not died. Their moods may seesaw between happiness and depression. It is important not to ignore a child's grief. You may want to set aside time each day to support and talk to your children about their feelings and to help them remember the positive things about the person. Holding your children on your lap or nearby while you talk can help to ease their pain as well as your own.
Each person who has lost a parent or other family member will grieve according to his or her personality, age, and experiences. Children of high school age or even of college age have special needs that are different from others. A child 12 years or older can understand complex relationships between events such as the loss of a parent and the resulting effects on the family. Children need help in talking about their own needs and learning how to deal with them. Children from the same family may cope in different ways and will need individual support.
A teenager will need time to mourn after the death of a parent. There should be a chance to let the child discuss his or her feelings about the death. There is also a need to talk about how the loss of the family member will change the roles within the family. As a unit, the family should talk about how role changes and new responsibilities will be handled.
An older child who is away at college may feel very alone after a death in the family. It is important to keep a channel of communication open between the child and other family members. The school or college may offer avenues of help and support such as campus chaplains or support groups. Campus counseling offices or services may be able to inform you about such resources.
As a family, it is important to keep the lines of communication open. Bereavement can be a very stressful time, and can also be a time where past conflicts might increase. It is crucial to talk about the losses experienced and to support each other in your grief.
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Holiday times can be difficult for anyone, but such occasions provide added stress after a death in the family. This is a time to decide what is really meaningful. If some family traditions are too painful in the absence of a family member, feel free to alter them to fit your needs. Here are some helpful hints for how to get through the holidays:
Decide what you can handle comfortably and then let your family, friends, and relatives know:
- Whether you would like to talk about your loved one openly.
- If you'd prefer that someone else do such traditional tasks as the family dinner, holiday parties, or other activities.
- Whether you will stay home for the holidays, or choose to get away to a different holiday environment this year.
Change can really make things less painful. Don't be afraid to:
- Open presents at a different time.
- Have dinner at a different time.
- Attend a different place of worship.
- Let others take over holiday tasks such as making cookies, decorating the house, etc.
You may find great comfort in doing something for others. For example:
- Donate the money you would have spent on the deceased's gifts to a particular charity.
- Adopt a needy family for the holidays.
- Invite a guest (foreign student, senior citizen, etc.) to share the holiday meal.
Whether it's baking, decorating the house, having a big family dinner, or putting up the tree, ask these questions before making any decisions:
- Have I talked about this activity with other family members?
- Do I really enjoy doing this?
- Do other family members really enjoy doing this?
- Is this a task that can be shared by other family members?
- What can I give up this year (such as baking or sending cards) to make things easier?
How to cope with and enjoy special activities:
- Shopping is much easier if you make the entire list out ahead of time. Then, when a "good day" comes along, you can get your shopping done quickly and with less confusion.
- If the thought of sending greeting cards is tiring, yet you discover that some of your friends are not aware of the death, try this: Enclose the simple funeral service card inside the cards.
- Jot down thoughts about your loved one and put them in a special place for family members to read (this gives younger children a chance to express their feelings).
- Burn a "Special Candle" on special occasions to quietly include an "absent" loved one.
The anniversary of the date of death of a loved one is often a difficult time for family and friends. On this date or around this time you may experience difficulty when reflecting on the loss. During this time, you may want to do something special to help you and your family deal with the loss. Some suggestions from family members have included:
- Visiting the grave site around the anniversary date.
- Writing a tribute to the person who has died.
- Planting a favorite perennial in your garden or yard, so as it comes up every year, you will be reminded of him or her.
- Just doing something that you and your loved one enjoyed doing, whether it is walking, biking, going to a movie, etc.
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When a death occurs, many aspects of family life may change. The financial well-being of the remaining family members may be determined by the actions of you, your attorney, or whomever is handling the estate of the deceased. There are some items that will need your attention in the first month or so after a death.
Making a list of all assets (anything owned that has value), and liabilities (bills and loans outstanding), and any other financial matters gives you a baseline for future planning or budgeting. You may need to talk with an attorney, depending on the size and complexity of the estate and the terms of the will. If the person died intestate (i.e., without a will) your state laws will determine the disposal of assets. Some assets may have joint ownership with the joint owner automatically having ownership, while other assets may have to go through probate court if there is no trust. If assets go through probate, they may not be available to you for at least six months. In addition, you should be aware that assets that are listed only in the name of the deceased (such as checking accounts or safe deposit boxes) may be "frozen" at the time of death and, therefore, not accessible to you.
Although not everything on this list will apply in your situation, it is a guide for gathering the papers and items you may need for future planning or budgeting.
- Records of the funeral arrangements
- Copy of the will
- Trust papers (if a trust was set up)
- Death certificate (needed as proof of death when you apply for some benefits)
- Social security numbers of the deceased, spouse and dependents
- Birth certificates of the deceased, spouse and dependents
- Marriage certificate Medical insurance papers and policy number(s)
- Life insurance papers and policy number(s)
- Car insurance papers and policy number(s)
- Car title(s)
- Car Registration Certificate(s)
- House or renter's insurance and policy number(s)
- Property or real estate deed(s)
- Mortgage papers Stock and/or bond certificates and statements
- Bank/credit union statements and account numbers for savings/checking account(s)
- Credit card statements and account numbers
- Loan papers and account numbers (for outstanding loans and those owed to you)
- Tax forms and W-2 statements from previous years
- Safe deposit box and key Labor union, fraternal or professional organization benefit papers Retirement funds or annuity papers
- Other pension funds, IRAs, Keoughs, etc. Cemetery plot deed(s)
- Armed service discharge papers VA benefits and claim numbers
- Appraisal papers for valuables
- Other accounts and statements specific to your situation
Based on the age of the deceased, marital status, dependents, age of dependents, and beneficiaries of the estate, not all of the following changes or benefits may apply. Use those that apply to you.
Financial and Legal Considerations:
- Make a list of all assets (liquid and long-term) and liabilities (bills and loans outstanding). Do this soon. Use the Checklist of Papers and Items to help you to identify these items.
- Contact a lawyer or accountant if you think you will need help with the financial and legal aspects of settling the estate.
File the will in probate court in the deceased's county of residence within 30 days of the death.
Benefits, Insurance and Money Due:
- Find out if there was death benefit insurance for the mortgage, car loan, or other loans, and make application for these.
- Arrange for family medical benefits to continue.
- Notify Social Security for application or change in benefits. This applies to those with dependent children, not just retirees.
- Collect money owed you from outstanding loans as soon as possible.
- Obtain all hospital and medical bills incurred and file insurance papers that have not been filed by the hospital and physicians.
- Notify Medicare of death and change in status.
Name Changes, Notification of Death:
- Consolidate or close bank and/or credit union accounts as needed.
- Change name on stocks and/or bonds.
- Change name and make plans for car insurance to continue, or cancel if it is no longer needed. (Note: there may be a rate change.)
- Cancel the deceased's driver's license.
- Take one day at a time.
- Be realistic and recognize that we need to set limits and do those things that are meaningful to ourselves and our families.
- Know that whatever things you choose to do this year, you may decide to do differently next year. Growth and change go hand in hand.
- Delegate or ask others to assist you with day-to-day tasks.
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"Look to this day, for it is life. For yesterday is already a dream and tomorrow is only a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope."
- Sanskrit proverb
This is a list of some books that have helped people cope with grief. It is not a complete list of all those available. Your local bookstore should be able to direct you to other resources.
- AARP. On Being Alone. 1988.
Deals with issues of grief.
- Blackburn, L.B. The Class In Room 44. Centering Corporation, 1991, Box 3367, Omaha, Nebraska, 68103-0367.
For teachers, parents and students when a classmate dies.
- Caine, L. Widow. NY: Bantam Books, 1974. (P)
- Carroll, D. Living with Dying: A Loving Guide for Family and Friends. NY: McGraw, 1985.
- Colgrove, M., Bloomfield, H., and McWilliams, P. How to Survive the Loss of a Love. NY: Bantam Books, 1976.
Describes feelings of grief and loss, and offers recommendations for coping. Includes poetry, and short, easy to read chapters.
- Deits, B. Life After Loss: A Personal Guide to Dealing with Death, Divorce, Job Change and Relocation. Fisher Books, 1988.
This may be helpful in dealing with the practicalities around the death.
- Dobson, J. When God Doesn't Make Sense. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House, 1993.
- Fahy, M. The Tree That Survived the Winter. New Jersey: Paulist Press, 1989.
A tree survives the cold winter in this parable about the power of faith.
- Gerber, M.H. For Bereaved Grandparents. Centering Corporation, 1990, Box 3367, Omaha, Nebraska, 68103-0367.
This is about grief - helping your child and yourself; includes a very helpful section on listening skills.
- Grollman, E.A. (Ed.). What Helped Me When My Loved One Died. Boston: Beacon Press, 1981. (P)
Essays by people in different circumstances who have lost a family member.
- Hample, S, and Marshall, E. Children's Letters to God. New York: Workman Publishing, 1991.
This may be helpful in understanding children's views.
- Hewett, J.H. After Suicide. Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1980.
The grief of survivors after suicide is discussed. Deals with guilt, anger, and shame. Also explains events to children. A constructive guide.
- Krauss, Pesach and Goldfischer, Morne. Why Me? Coping with Grief, Loss and Change. NY: Bantam Books, 1988.
- Kubler-Ross, E. On Death and Dying. NY: MacMillan Publishing Co., 1970.
Describes five stages of the grieving process and recommends coping mechanisms.
- Kushner, H.S. When Bad Things Happen to Good People. NY: Avon Books, 1981.
Author journeys through suffering to understanding the death of his son.
- Rando, T. How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. Lexington Books, 1988.
- Wangerin, W. Jr. Mourning into Dancing. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1992.
For parents dealing with the death of a child.
- Bolton, I. My Son, My Son. Order through: Compassionate Friends, P.O. Box 1347, Oak Brook, IL 60521, (708) 990-0010.
A mother's story of a tragedy and an eventual triumph to begin life again.
- Cleckley, M., Estes, E., and Norton, P., Eds. We Need Not Walk Alone. 1990. Order through: Compassionate Friends, P.O. Box 1347, Oak Brook, IL 60521, (708) 990-0010.
An anthology of grief-related articles and poems written by and for bereaved parents.
- Klagsburn, F. Too Young to Die. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1976.
Author explores the motives underlying suicide among youths (also for youth).
- Morgan, T. (Reverend) Fathers Grieve Too (pamphlet) 1985. Order through: Centering Corporation, 1531 N. Saddle Creek Road, Omaha, NE 68104.
- Schiff, H.S. The Bereaved Parent. NY: Crown Publishers, 1977.
A book of counsel for those who experience the death of a child.
- Van Bechten, B. The First Year of Forever. NY: Atheneum, 1982.
An account of a couple's first year of bereavement following their son's accidental death, what they lost and gained, and how they survived.
- Borg, S., and Lasker, J. When Pregnancy Fails: Families Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death. Boston: Beacon Press, 1981.
- Ilse, S. Empty Arms: A Guide to Help Parents and Loved Ones Cope With Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Neonatal Death. 1982. Sherokee, Ilse, P.O., Box 165, Long Lake, Minnesota 44356 (Mail).
- Peppers, L. and Knapp, R. Motherhood and Mourning. NY: Praeger, 1980.
Psychological aspects associated with perinatal death.
- Grollman, E.A. Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child. Boston: Beacon Press, 1970.
A dialogue is shared between parent and child; sensitively illustrated, with a parents' guide.
- Lethan, E. Learning to Say Goodbye When a Parent Dies. NY: McMillan Co., 1976.
- LeShan, E. What Makes Me Feel This Way? Growing Up With Human Emotions. NY: McMillan Co., 1972 (8-12).
- Mellonie, B. and Inghpen, R. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children. NY: Bantam Books, 1983 (Pre-school-8).
Life and death of animals and people; illustrated.
- Stein, S.B. About Dying: An Open Family Book for Parents and Children Together. NY: Walker & Co., 1974 (Pre-school-8). Describes common responses to the death of a loved one.
- Johnson, J., Johnson, M., and Goldstein. Where's Jess? Centering Corporation, 1982. Box 3367, Omaha, NE 68103-0367.
Parents answer a child's questions about the death of sibling.
- Zolotow, C. My Grandson Lew. NY: Harper and Row, 1974.
Lewis recalls his grandfather, who died years before, and he and his mother share grandfather's memory in a poignant way.
- Smith, D.B. A Taste of Blackberries. NY: Crowell Co., 1973.
Touching and vivid story about a boy dealing with the accidental death of his friend. The reality of death, grief and funerals are described.
- Gravelle, K. and Haskins, C. Teenagers Face to Face With Bereavement. Simon and Schuster, Inc., 1989.
- Bereavement Magazine, Bereavement Publishing, Inc., 8133 Telegraph Drive, Colorado Springs, CO 80920. (719) 282-1948.
Discusses different grief situations through stories, articles, poems and shared personal experiences.
- This Healing Path (1993) A 35-minute video tape for young adults and parents. Addresses specific issues and concerns that are of importance for surviving siblings and those who love them. Can be ordered through: Compassionate Friends, P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696. (708) 990-0010.
- Centering Corporation, 1531 N. Saddle Creek Road, Omaha, NE 68104. (402) 553-1200.
- Compassionate Friends, P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696. (708) 990-0010.
Rivendell Resources, Inc., P.O. Box 3272, Ann Arbor, MI 48106-3272. (734) 761-1960. Publishes a magazine entitled Bereavement and Loss Resources also provides listings of support groups and other bereavement resources.
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For questions about the University of Michigan Comprehensive Cancer Center and inquiries regarding general support after the death of a loved one call the University of Michigan Comprehensive Cancer Center Cancer Information Line at 1-800-865-1125.
- American Cancer Society
1599 Clifton Rd.
Atlanta, GA 30329
(404) 320-3333
- Candelighters Childhood Cancer Foundation
7910 Woodmont Ave. Suite 460
Bethesda, MD 20814
(800) 366-CCCF
- Compassionate Friends National Office
P.O. Box 3696
Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696
(708) 990-0010
- Leukemia Society of America National Headquarters
600 Third Ave.
New York, NY 10016
(212) 573-8484
(800) 955-4LSA (Hotline info.)
- Mothers Against Drunk Driving National Office
511 E. John Carpenter Freeway Suite 700
Irving, TX 75062-8187
(214) 744-6233
- National Brain Tumor Foundation
785 Market St., Suite 1600
San Francisco, CA 94103
(800) 934-2873
(415) 284-0208
Fax (415) 284-0209
- Pen Parents
P.O. Box 8738
Reno, NE 89507-8738
(702) 826-7332
(800) 484-1033
Pen Parents is a specially designed support network of grieving families who have suffered pregnancy losses or the deaths of young children. They provide an opportunity for bereaved parents to talk about their child(ren) through writing to others in similar situations. They also publish a newsletter.
- Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
10500 Little Patuxent Parkway Suite 420
Columbia, MD 21044
(800) 221-SIDS
- The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center
1421 E. Wayzata Blvd. #40
Wayzata, MN 55391
(612) 473-9372
Local bereavement groups offer support networks for those who have lost a loved one. These should be listed in your local telephone directory or newspaper.
- AIDS American Social Health Association
P.O. Box 13827
Research Triangle Park, NC 27709
(800) 342-AIDS
- American Association of Suicidology
2459 South Ash
Denver, CO 80222
(303) 692-0985
- American Brain Tumor Association
2720 River Rd.
DesPlaines, IL 60018
(847) 827-9910
(800) 886-2282 (Patient Services)
Fax (847) 827-9918
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- American Association of Retired Persons
1-800-441-2277
Programs and services for older adults
- American Cancer Society
1-800-227-2345
Support groups, written information, fund raising
- American Red Cross
1-800-582-4383
Blood donation, blood typing
- American Self-Help Clearinghouse
1-201-625-7101
Information about self-help resources available all over the country
- National Cancer Institute-Cancer Info Line
1-800-4-CANCER
Current information on types of cancer
- National Citizen's Coalition for Nursing Home Reform
1-202-393-2108
Information about local groups involved in assessment of the quality of nursing homes
- National Organization of Hospices
1-703-243-5900
Information about hospices throughout the country. Also publishes a national directory of hospices
- National Self Help Clearinghouse
1-212-642-2944
Information on self-help groups
- Salvation Army-National Headquarters
1-703-684-5500
Food, clothing, transportation, utilities, counseling, day care, Bible study, hot meals for seniors
- Social Security Information
1-800-772-1213
- United Way
1-703-836-7112
Information about United Way chapters throughout the country, and about funded programs in the area
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- Worden, W.J. (1991). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. New York: Springer Publishing Co.
- Adapted from Upon the Death of Your Child, written by Peggy Brown, RN, BSN and Susan Sefansky, MSW, ACSW, for use at Mott Children's Hospital, Ann Arbor, MI, 1992.
- Knapp, Roland. Beyond Endurance. Scholcken Books Accelerated Development Inc., Muncie, IN, 1983. Wolfelt, Alan. Helping Children Cope with Grief. Accelerated Development Inc., Muncie, IN, 1983. Zonin, Leonard and Hilary. The Art of Condolence. Harper Collins, 1991.
- Adapted from Upon the Death of Your Child, written by Peggy Brown, RN, BSN and Susan Sefansky, MSW, ACSW for use at Mott Children's Hospital, Ann Arbor, MI, 1992.
- The Compassionate Friends, Inc., P.O. Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696. Phone (708) 990-0010. Used by permission.
- Individualized Home Nursing Care, Inc., Ann Arbor, MI Muehlig Funeral Chapel, Inc., Ann Arbor, MI. Provided information used in the funeral information brochure, Practical Information to Help You at this Time. Porter, Sylvia. Sylvia Porter's New Money Book for the 80s. Avon Books, a division of Hearst Corporation, 1979.
- The Compassionate Friends, Inc., P.O. Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696. Phone (708) 990-0010. Used by permission.
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Individual counseling and consultations are available, please contact 734-615-6952.
NOTE: This service is for UM Comprehensive Cancer Center patients and families.
  
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University of Michigan Comprehensive Cancer Center
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, MI 48109
© 2008 Regents of the University of Michigan / Developed & maintained by: Public Relations & Marketing Communications. Contact Us or
UMHS. The information presented is not a tool for self diagnosis or a substitute for professional care.
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